Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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