sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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