you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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