I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize