The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
