Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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