I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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