He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
