Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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