take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize