after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
