The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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