She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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