What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
