Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
