he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
