it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
