you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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