I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
