Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
