im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
