I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
