If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
