When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
