My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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