i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
