My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
