the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
