You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
