We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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