Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
