Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
