Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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