my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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