sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
