i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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