So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
