I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
