Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
