Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
