she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just invented taco cereal.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
