The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
