I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
