life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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