Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
false alarm, still single
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize