Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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