you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
