I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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