Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
