Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
