True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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