respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
