I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
