____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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