he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
