Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
