i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
