I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
