I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
